February 11, 2008 Leave a comment
“Love is the Home of People in Love…”
-Eun Young, Spring Waltz Episode 20
Valentine’s Day is coming so close that the very thought of its arrival gives me the creeps. Another valentine’s day; my 20th. But of the 20 Valentine’s Days that I have had, this will be perhaps the gloomiest, saddest, and memorable.
We hit the 20’s with renewed vigor towards love and relationships. Maybe yes. Maybe no. I know a lot of 20 year olds who spend most of their days being 20, flirty, and joyous. I know a lot of 20 year olds, however, who spend the year crying, in pain, and captivated by a great degree of loneliness.
I am in pain. I am still. After all the trouble, the pain, the infirmity, the challenges, the hurt that the previous love of my life brought me, I continue to be immersed in great pain. Nobody can help me; the pain is just to real to be hidden nor to be assisted. I have been very open about this pain, and have spent several hours shouting in front of the mirror regretting having loved him.
While it is true that I have moved on, it does not dismiss the fact that I still feel the pain. Maybe it’s just human, perhaps it’s just too painful. Moving forward is not an antidote to pain; it is just a reassurance that you are alive; that you can move forward with a little pain inside you. Hindi naman kasi automatic na nawawala ang sakit kapag nakapag-move on ka na. It is non-sequitur.
The pain I felt while loving this person is tantamount to lashing myself with bamboo at the back every single day. I miss those days, when I simply found pleasure in hurting myself by looking through his eyes, smiling, only to be hurt by constant rejection. But do we stop loving because we get hurt? No. We should not. We should never. For hurt and pain comes with the package of love and relationships. I miss those days when I felt hurt, at least I knew he was there, unlike now.
I apologize for being not so political today. I can just feel the chill of the coming Valentine’s, a V-Day I will once again spend alone.
PS: The Optional Excerpt is from Spring Waltz, Episode 20.