My Totally Wrecked Life.
October 27, 2007 Leave a comment
Since I have already opened my entire life to the world, perhaps I should feel rather comfortable saying things here, especially now that I have nothing to hide, nor nothing to fear.
Ever since I entered college, I have been in love, but in love only once – for love is a sensation you feel only once, and its sensation cannot be repeated, replicated, or faked.It’s a complex feeling – brings you to dark evenings of depression when it’s not in you; takes you to warm sunsets when with you. Truly, love is a feeling beyond compare, a feeling I have felt only once.
And though I felt that I liked people back at high school, and some at college, nobody actually amde me feel this way before. And for four years now, my feeling stayed the same – consistent. Nothing has changed: from the very first second that I saw his face, the first time I talked to him, and even at the time he mocked and insulted me, nothing has changed. Even if all my friends and even myself say that he is not the one, nothing changed. Nothing has changed how I view him, and no amount of denial changed the way I feel, until now.
And after long hours at school, I end up lying on my bed thinking of what might have been if he felt the same way? Or if I have not said it at all? Regrets? Perhaps. Who would not regret the step I took? Who would have done otherwise? Well, now is too late to take things back, and the damage has been done, both to that person and to me. I udnerwent clinical depression, had therapy, and still am crazy in love with him.
As I was browsing through some romance poetry of Pablo Neruda, I cannot help but be moved with the verses in the poem A Song of Despair. Two lines that actually describe who I am now; a man whose happiness is forever doomed with the memory of a man I have loved with all my heart but have not loved me back. The lines of the poem are as follows:
The Memory of you emerges from the night around me
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea
Two powerful lines that describes me. I am now broken… Totally.